A Journey Through Coaching - Part 2: Adaptive Patterns

Adaptive Patterns is the second article in a series of five which will include; Being a Learner, Fire the Committee, and The Meditation Metaphor.

 2. Adaptive Patterns
In the days when I was truly unaware I might have noticed the “Pig-Pen” trail of misadventures behind me but not have been able to see the repeating behavioral patterns. The “shining light” of awareness helped me to recognize there was rhythm and repetition in my actions, even if I had yet to grasp the meaning.

Then, mercifully, I learned about adaptive patterns. All of us, at a very young age, figure out our environment and how we’re going to get along in it. We don’t know we’re doing this. It’s unconscious. Patterns are neither bad nor good.  They are just behavior adaptations that increase our ability to be successful in our environment.

In adulthood, the patterns that had once been helpful started to really get in my way. What had once been useful now became problematic.  The process took time but finally I got curious about why I kept having the same arguments, set-backs, resentments and false-starts. It wasn’t random. I was creating them! I was horrified!

Having admiration for the little-girl who was smart enough to adapt to her environment is making it easier for me not to be ashamed. My patterns and how they’ve played out does not indicate that I’m a loser.  It just means I’m human. Humans screw-up all the time. The question is, can we bring compassion to that inevitability? Does shame really create change or, instead, can we love ourselves into transformation? Meeting myself right where I am, with tenderness, with humor and curiosity has also given me more bandwidth to do the same for others.  Such a messy business. I go through a lot of Kleenex. But, also I feel a lot of freedom, peace and gratitude.